


The Giving River

by dreamytbh (imnotbuck)



Category: The Song of Achilles - Madeline Miller
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Body Worship, Canon Related, Emotional Sex, First Kiss, First Love, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-28
Updated: 2016-02-28
Packaged: 2018-05-23 16:33:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6122611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imnotbuck/pseuds/dreamytbh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Achilles liked to put things in the water and watch them sink.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Giving River

Achilles liked to put things in the river and watched them sink. At first he placed meaningless trinkets in the water just to see what would happen; no matter how light the objects were they would always sink. By the time he was nine years old he realized that it was a waste of time and resources to only wash away silly things- he then began to put in things that he wished to be out of his life. Achilles washed away his sadness, his shame, and anything else he wanted gone so that only the goodness in his life remained. 

Like everything, there would a price to pay later but Achilles was willing to pay it in return for the glory he'd been raised to reach.

His only rule was that he would never, ever, step foot into the river. It was odd but he feared that if he got into the water he too would sink and never be found. In order to make sure that no one died there he made certain that he was the only person who knew about the river- he guarded it's secret like it guarded his, at the bottom of his soul instead of the bottom of the riverbed. Everything changed the day he found Patroclus sitting by the river staring into the water. 

"How did you find this river?" Achilles asked and didn't keep the terror from his voice. Patroclus turned to face him and the sun shone off of the river, casting colours on his skin. Achilles had seen Patroclus around the grounds before but had never really spoken to him until that point so he certainly had never noticed how beautiful he was. Achilles felt his cheeks turning pink and tried to appear calm. 

"I heard it running." 

"You did?" No one had ever heard it running before. 

"Yes." Patroclus shifted his position so that he could look at him head on. "It's beautiful water- so clear and clean. I didn't think that untouched streams like this still existed."

"I'm the only person who knows about it." He admitted without meaning to. A spark of curiousity flared in Patroclus' warm eyes and he wanted to add kindling to it. "Now you do, of course."

"Is it a problem? I could forget about it if you want."

"No it's fine." Achilles walked closer and sat down beside him. "It's.. nice to have someone here. It can get lonely sometimes."

"Do you spend a lot of time here?"

"As much as I can." With the passing of his youth it was becoming more and more difficult to find time for daydreaming. He was always called to action somewhere so he didn't get time to himself. 

"Finding loneliness in such a beautiful place should be a sin." Patroclus sounded slightly saddened. "Wouldn't it be nice if you could jump in and wash it away?"

"The river is dangerous, Patroclus." When he said the boy's name both of them twitched just a little, catching them both off guard. "I don't know how deep it is or where it ends. It sucks everything down into it's depths." 

"It can't be that deep."

"Still there is no point risking injury or death just to explore." Patroclus smiled and made his chest ache. 

"If explorers shared that opinion there would be no world, Achilles. We would have all died because we refused to venture out of the small corner where everything was already known." 

"Tempting fate is a fool's game." 

"And a warrior's greatest skill." 

They spent many days there together, skipping rocks and watching them disappear. Achilles found himself unable to think of things that he wanted to wash away because when he was with Patroclus everything was well. Finding someone like Patroclus had been a stroke of pure fate; Achilles was convinced that some god had a hand in their meeting. How else could it be explained? Was he just lucky and stumbled upon star that had fallen beside the river he'd held dear for so long? Or had it been coincidence entirely? 

Patroclus made him feel things that he hadn't felt since he was a child. When he was younger he could run without the weight of the world on his shoulders and the threat of war looming over him, without the burden of his destiny. He could let random things sink to the bottom of the river instead of things he was ashamed of. With Patroclus, he felt an amazing amount of freedom that he couldn't possibly explain. When they sat down by the edge of the river talking until the sun went down and the dying embers of sunlight stuck to Patroclus' skin like birth marks, he felt alive. Days started to get busier and they started missing out on sleep to meet each other. They talked until they ran out of words to say and only their soft breaths remained, until the moonlight bled from the sky and they felt like they could float away if not for the exhaustion weighing down their bones.

Though the sun had gone down it was still blistering hot. Achilles looked longingly at the crystal clear water and wanted to jump in but fear held him back. He didn't want to risk letting himself be washed away because Patroclus was going to be out there any second. Achilles didn't want Patroclus to be waiting for him when he couldn't come back- he didn't want to cause him pain like that. 

"It's hot." Patroclus said and came to a stop beside him. "I thought the heat would recede by nightfall but apparently not."

"It feels like this heat will never break." Patroclus sighed heavily. 

"Let's swim."

"What?"

"The water looks cool and we are both in desperate need of cooling off. We could faint from the heat." 

"We could go inside." 

"I don't want to- do you?" Achilles started chewing at his lip. 

"No." He said quietly. 

"So let's take a little dip." The sound of decision in Patroclus' voice made him shoot to his feet. 

"The water is dangerous, Patroclus. Who knows what creatures lurk beneath the surface just waiting for someone to dive in? No one knows where we are so no one will be able to save us if something happens." Patroclus took his hand and his heart trembled inside of his chest. They had briefly touched before- shoulders bumping together, legs sprawled close enough to touch- but it had never been like that. Patroclus' touch was more reassuring than a wall built solely for his protection or an army serving him. 

"One of us can go first and if something goes wrong, they'll get help."

"That's a terrible idea!" 

"Trust me?"

"I do but taking such a risk is ridiculous. We're going to get killed!" Patroclus dropped his hand and yanked off his chiton. Achilles blushed at the sight of his bare skin but couldn't look away. 

"Just trust me." Patroclus took a running start and dove in, disappearing under the water. When a minute passed and he didn't surface Achilles felt intense panic. 

"Patroclus!" He feared that the only thing in his life that he didn't want to be washed away was gone and it made his stomach drop. He didn't even take off his clothing, he just reacted. The water was cold against his heated skin but he didn't feel it- all he felt was terror. The river was deeper than he thought and had a kind of pull toward the bottom that was hard to fight against. In the distance he saw Patroclus' body shoot up and followed suit. Patroclus was gulping back air and grinning like a mad man, his curls dark and damp against his face and touching his shoulders. Achilles swam over to him and almost cried when he saw that he was completely unharmed. 

"I scared you." Patroclus said, worry etched into his handsome face. "I'm sorry." Achilles wiped the water from his eyes and grabbed Patroclus, hugging him close to his chest. 

"I have welcomed recklessness into my life in the form of a boy." Patroclus chuckled and hugged him back. 

"Thank you for welcoming me so warmly." Achilles' arms were wrapped around Patroclus' neck and their bodies were pressed together like two perfectly matched halves of an object. Patroclus pulled back just enough to look into his eyes and Achilles let his arms drop, his hands reaching up to grab Patroclus' hair. Patroclus' lips were slightly chapped but Achilles couldn't have found it more perfect; the kiss was enough to shake him completely, as if the entire world had been rocked and placed on it's side. It was even better when Patroclus' lips fell open and he began to kiss back like he couldn't help himself. "Achilles." Patroclus sighed against his lips, into his mouth. 

"You didn't sink." He gasped. "I thought you'd sink like everything else. When you didn't come back up immediately I thought-" He choked on what was left unsaid. Patroclus touched his cheek and he leaned into his palm. 

"I wouldn't leave you." Achilles felt like he was being torn apart and sewn back together simultaneously. "I swear it, Achilles. I won't leave you until you want me to." 

"Then you will be with me for all eternity." Their foreheads pressed together and Patroclus closed his eyes. 

"I was hoping you'd say that." 

Their days consisted of working and sneaking out of their tasks early to meet each other even if only briefly, their nights completely their own which they chose to spend in the water. Achilles had always thought that he was a good swimmer but Patroclus put him to shame. He could dive deep and hold his breath for a long time, dive up, and then go back down. Achilles tried to beat him at his own game but as soon as he dove up Patroclus never failed to grab him and kiss him until he couldn't breathe. Achilles' favourite thing to do was hold hands and bob under the surface, holding their breaths and staring at each other by the moonlight filtering through the water. 

Patroclus liked to be near him and always said that even if they weren't even remotely close, he could still feel him. Achilles didn't find it the least bit strange that he felt the exact same way. They were infatuated with each other, hopelessly so, but it was a welcome madness. They spent many nights simply learning to be in sync completely and knowing the hum of each other's bodies, tying themselves together seamlessly. 

War came for them soon after. Achilles was just barely 17 when the first troops came and began to attack neighbouring cities. The entire country was in panic and Achilles' family began to prepare to send in their greatest weapon: him. He was glamourized as being the solution to their problems and the one who would win them the war. There was an enormous amount of pressure on him that constantly threatened to break all of his bones and turn him into nothing. He feared failing because it wasn't just himself that he would disappoint and ruin. 

In that same year, Achilles made his first kill. A foreign troop had managed to make it into the city and was going to kill a civilian. He'd acted instantly and managed to use the man's own weapon against him, killing him instantly. The cheers of the people around him and the tear-stained thanks he got made his stomach turn and he left as soon as he could. Patroclus was waiting for him by the river when he came, his eyes softening when he saw the blood on his chiton and his hands. 

"Achilles." Patroclus' voice was full of so much warmth that he fell to his knees and started to sob. He could only see the dead body lying on the ground, the life leaving his eyes, and his blood-soaked destiny straight ahead. "Please don't be ashamed."

"I killed someone, Patroclus. I drove a sword straight through his body and cut him down without a second thought." 

"He was going to harm innocent people and you stopped him."

"I wish it never happened."

"My sweet Achilles." Patroclus whispered. "You are the most wonderful person in the world."

"You can care for me even though I have killed and will continue to kill?" 

"Of course." 

"Why? Why would you forgive me sins so easily?"

"You are not a sinner in need of forgiveness. You didn't choose this path and I know that if you could turn away from it you would. But you an honourable man who protects the people he knows need his help."

"Will you allow yourself to be touched by blood covered hands?"

"Blood can and will be washed away."

"Will you cower away from me?"

"Never."

"Why?"

"Because I love you." Achilles couldn't think or breathe. "I will stand by you to wash the blood away and make you feel clean again." Patroclus helped him to his feet and brought him to the river. He stripped off Achilles' chiton and his own, getting them both in the water. He ran his hands over Achilles' body and scrubbed the blood from his skin until there was no more and he was caressing him. 

"I love you." Achilles said, voice firm and strong. "I love you so much." Patroclus kissed him and they dipped into the water completely. Light peeked through the waves and illuminated their bodies like a warm heavenly shield. Achilles moaned into his mouth and let all of the resentment in his body sink beneath him until it could no longer be felt. 

They stumbled out of the water and onto the ground, the grass beneath them somehow soft. He was beneath Patroclus and felt safer than he ever had. He rocked his hips against Patroclus' and caused sparks to fly up around them. Patroclus moved down his body and kissed his neck, his shoulders, his chest, heat rising from the top of his head to the tips of his toes. He kissed along the smooth muscles of his abdomen and the slope of his hips. There was a bite of pain when Patroclus entered him but he ignored it. It felt like their bodies had fused together and he wanted that so badly. 

"I will love you until time no longer matters." Achilles whispered, tears in his eyes. "Until we are long gone, dust rising up to the heavens." 

"Even then we will be together." 

"Never leave me."

"How would I ever leave a piece of myself behind?" Achilles kissed him and felt like things were fine. He twisted their hands together and absorbed the pattern of his thrusts, moaning softly and wrapping his legs around Patroclus' waist. "How could I ever leave you?" 

"We'll never part, will we?"

"Even if someone tried with all of their might we will remain as one." 

"I love you." The clouds parted and allowed the sun to shine on them fully, their skin glistening and bodies heating up. "I love you." Achilles realized then that the river was nothing but water full of his past. Patroclus was the true river, a giving river, the one who washed away his sins and gave him a new start whenever he needed it. In Patroclus he would never sink- he would float in peace with his love at his side.

"And I you, Achilles." 

With the war having entered their city there was no time for lying around. Achilles fought long and hard to keep the enemy from delving further behind the lines they'd drawn. More people died than Achilles could count but he and Patroclus washed flowers down the river in their memory, hoping that any pain they'd endured had passed and they were left with only hope. Patroclus slept by his side and gave him the strength that he needed and Achilles always took it, keeping a piece of Patroclus with him no matter where he went. 

In the second year of the war, a scream cut through a sweltering night. It pierced the calm and woke Achilles from his restless sleep. He grabbed his sword and ran through the halls with only one thing on his mind: Patroclus. He ran as fast as his feet could carry him and made it to the outer garden where he found a woman being held captive by an armed man. What was more terrifying was who was at him feet. Patroclus was lying there as still as a stone, blood seeping from his stomach. 

"No." Achilles moved to step forward but the soldier moved closer. 

"One more step and she dies."  _Patroclus, Patroclus, get away from here. You must move and get help! Move!_ "I mean it." He stared at Patroclus and knew that there was no hope. All of the light in his life was slowly fading like a sunset and he couldn't catch up to it. That star he'd found so long ago was returning to the sky. 

"Patroclus." He whimpered. "Patroclus, please." But Patroclus wouldn't move. His eyes were focused somewhere in the sky, unseeing as if he were blind. Achilles charged forward and caught the solider off guard, forcing him to release his captive and defend himself. Achilles screamed and went at him with everything he had, every ounce of strength and skill at his arsenal. It didn't take much; within a few clashes of their swords he had the man at his will. 

"I surrender. Mercy!" Achilles refused to listen. He stabbed him over and over again until he no longer looked like a person, yet he continued. He stabbed him until there was blood all over him and he was exhausted but it wasn't nearly enough to appease the beast inside of him. 

"He was trying to help me." The woman sobbed. "He was stabbed trying to help." Achilles ran over to Patroclus and pressed his hand over the wound in an attempt to stop the bleeding. 

"Wake up, Patroclus. You need to fight with me- you need to want to live." His tears overflowed and he allowed himself to tremble under the pain. "Fight Patroclus! You need to fight!" 

"Achilles." He heard his father but didn't look up at him. "He's dead." 

"He isn't. Patroclus wouldn't just die like this. He said he would be here- _he wouldn't leave me._ " 

"We will bury him with honour." Achilles shook his head wildly and picked Patroclus' limp body up. "What are you doing?"

"The water." He gasped. "It will bring him back, he will come back to me."

"You have to calm down."

"He will come back!" Achilles ran through the halls and out the back into the wooded area, he stumbled many times but refused to fall. Once he made it to the river he collapsed, holding Patroclus close. "We are not dust, Patroclus. You can't float away from me." He touched Patroclus' face and wiped away tears that weren't there. "We are meant for each other, don't you know that? Don't you know that we cannot part? We have to stay together; it's the only way for either of us to live." He laid Patroclus on the ground and looked around until he found rocks. "If one of us leaves, the other will follow. You won't be alone there and I won't be alone here." 

He shoved the rocks into his chiton until he could barely move and took Patroclus into his arms. Achilles didn't know where the river ended or where he would end up once he reached the bottom; all that matter was that Patroclus would be there waiting with his hand outstretched.

_ "If explorers shared that opinion there would be no world, Achilles. We would have all died because we refused to venture out of the small corner where everything was already known." _

Achilles waded into the water until his golden curls floated around him and sank.

**Author's Note:**

> My first patrochilles fic in forever and I do this. I am a big jerk and an ass. But I'm also on [tumblr](https://fuckyfarnes.tumblr.com/)


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